Monoculture

Two people square off in a conflict.  One of them throws out a hailstorm of words, hisses, with a trance-like look in his/her eyes in an all up in your face attitude.  The other person decides to take what could appear to be very vulnerable tactic, weak & gentle tone of voice, along with an understanding look in the individual’s eyes. This response only made the other person angrier, because he/she was pissed off because the other person wasn’t angry like he/she was.  “C’mon dudes fight will you?”

Often we find that we are the ones who are stirring up the conflict; as someone has said, ‘a little bit of sugar works much better than a little bit of vinegar, not that the person in the above scenario would have to use the method used to solve a conflict.’ To better understand what may, or may not be, happening, we need to define conflict.  In fact, if we don’t have clarity on the nature of conflict, much less on how we may define it in a sentence, can we really expect the resolution of conflicts in our lives?  Probably not. There must be the “heart” and moxie to “get it” at all levels of our humanity.

In his book, Conflict Resolution and Mediation for Peer Helpers, Don Sorenson, PhD., lists some phrases we may live by in terms of the way we typically react to conflict:

“Come and let us reason together.”

“You scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours.”

“If you can’t make someone think as you do, make that person do as you think.”

"A half a loaf is better than no loaf at all.”

“A bird in the hand is better than two in the bush.”

“The best way of handling conflicts is to avoid them.”

“Avoid foolish & ignorant disputes, do not generate strife.”

“Speak softly and carry a big stick.”

“He who runs away lives to fight another day.”

“Might overcomes right.”

“Justice will prevail.”

“Truth is mightier than the sword.”

“Tit for tat is fair play.”

“Kill your enemies with kindness.”

“There is nothing so important that it is worth fighting for.”

“The squeaky wheel gets the grease.”

Albert Einstein told us years ago, ‘The only way you can solve a problem is to find a creative solution that is more powerful than the original cause. Otherwise you end up with the same kind of dilemma.’

“Would you just shut up—don’t rock the boat and create a worse mess than we already have.”

“Would you just tell me what you’re feeling right now—every time we have some sort of conflict, you go into your silent-steaming.  You’re like that for a couple of days, and then you act like nothing happened.  You won’t talk and there’s no way I can pull your emotions out, anyway.”

“I am just going to go home and pray about it.  I’m not making any move toward that jerk unless I see he’s beginning to change or move forward.  I have to listen to see if God speaks.  If he can’t do that, he’s history in my book.”

The Passive-Aggressive Activist: this kind of person has the personality trait of always trying to befriend you, gain your approval, put you in the spotlight, do everything you ask and MORE!  But this PAA hides behind a “user friendly” mask, and their motives are generally not in the “friendly” mode, but designed to hurt, to steal some object or notion, to violate their family cemetery, often defame, besmirch, libel you & your family, and, if they could, to destroy you.  The mask also hides the pirate’s skull with a dagger in his mouth.  Go easy and do a lot of observing what’s happening in your own ecosphere.  Back in the Nineties a book came out called “The Clergy Killers,” and gave a general background of the mental health of people who do this, and why they do it.

Here are some questions based on my observations, in regards to authentically defining the meaning of conflict for yourself:

1.    Do I try to win, to avoid losing in a conflict context and/or situation?

2.    Do I work endlessly & tirelessly at “not losing” and “beating the other dude out as the winner.”

3.    Do I think & feel that I have a competitive nature?  In what sorts of places or situations do I feel triggered, then activate competition?  In what parts of my life does it emerge?

4.    Do I try to remain neutral during conflict?

5.    Do I use avoidance in managing conflict?  Do I just do nothing?  Do I stop listening, and check out emotionally (going into that expressionless, somnambulant trance-of eyes that aren’t really there in that moment.

6.    Do I have a difficult time managing my anger in a conflict?  If anger is a primary emotion what would happen if I slipped and let it out in a conflict?

7.    Can you think of any more scenarios?

Consider these three approaches when communicating with someone with whom you have a conflict:

1.    An important key is to mention specific actions or behaviors, as well as dates, to whoever you may be engaged with in conflict.  Communicating & Positive Labeling can be used to view yourself more from an elemental (earth, wind, fire & water, space? These are the integers) lens, or in your expression to the other person of how his or her behaviors has impacted you.  Make sure you include your feelings about it, too. How have you felt emotionally about the conflict? What do you do normally about your feelings?

2.    Next, keeping your own communication posture congruent (here the forms of communication match: the words & non-verbal communication are aligned and not opposed by either forms of personal communication) towards the other person, with some detachment, but never surrendering both yours and the others individual, personalized, human, compassionate action and clear thinking.

Think about these points the next time you’re traveling in a conflictual situation; think of your own motives as well, because conflict resolution is all about having the “heart” to deal with conflict when it comes,

© Christopher Bear-Beam October 2, 2014